Review: Vivien Horler

Lost Lambs, by Madeline Cash (Doubleday/Penguin)

Bud Flynn is considering suicide.

His wife Catherine has announced they have a new marital arrangement: an open marriage, a decision in which Bud has had no say. He suspects she’s having it off with their neighbour, he of the odiously perfectly kept garden.

The situation with Catherine has deteriorated to the point of Bud moving into the minivan in the garage.

Plus his accounting job at the town harbour is not going anywhere, and he fears he might lose it. One reason he may in fact lose it is that he tends to arrive late and finish early. Those in charge have noticed.

Bud is also worried about money, what with his three girls needing orthodontists and counselling and expecting college fees, not to mention Catherine being a stay-at-home mom.

His youngest daughter Harper, about 13 and extremely clever, has noticed his tendencies, because she browses everyone’s search history on the family computer.

Harper is sufficiently concerned about her dad to visit Father Andrew, despite the entire family drifting away from the Catholic church, what with depression, open marriage arrangements and so forth.

She tells Father Andrew her dad has been looking up “least painful ways to kill yourself”. But Father Andrew already knows this, because a couple of days previously Bud had come to see him, asking on behalf of a “friend” whether, in the case of suicide, would they definitively go to hell?

Father Andrew says he is pretty sure they would. To deny God’s right to decide when it is someone’s time is heresy. The rules are as tight as airport security.

In her trawls through her father’s emails and spreadsheets, Harper becomes convinced something strange is going on at the harbour, where Bud’s job is to track and document all incoming and docked cargo.

She spots the fact there are entire hauls of cargo her father has not logged. It occurs to her Bud could be complicit in high-level trafficking, possibly biological weapons or drugs. She points this out to Bud. He tells her not to worry, and ruffles her hair.

The eldest daughter, Abigail, who happens to be beautiful, is in her last year of school. She contrives to gatecrash a party held by her father’s boss Paul Alabaster, the local billionaire who owns the harbour. And there Abigail meets Wes, a security guard known by his friends as Warcrimes Wes, on account of his history as a soldier in a recent US war.

Harper suspects Paul Alabaster is actually spying on the town, or doing something equally suspicious.

Meanwhile the middle sister, Louise, feels lonely and overlooked. She gets into an online relationship with someone she believes really sees her. He turns out to be pretty dodgy too.

One day Bud is called in by his immediate boss. They’re concerned that something at home is bothering him. He denies it, but is presented with proof: on Bud’s latest HR health form he wrote, under marital status: “my wife is fucking the neighbour”. Bud winces.

He is told he needs to go on a programme to sort himself out and enhance his performance at work.

So, under duress, Bud joins the Lost Lambs Christian Guidance group, held at Father Andrew’s church and led by the plump and middle-aged Miss Winkle, a parishioner Father Andrew can’t stand. (Which could have something to do with her nagging about getting the church bells fixed.)

It turns out Harper might have been onto something about Paul Alabaster, which leads to a terrifying showdown for the Flynn sisters, complete with blood.

Lost Lambs is funny, warm and whacky and I loved it, along with all the characters in it (except for Paul Alabaster of course. Oh, and the neighbour.)